Thursday, March 29, 2012
This isn't sleep
I have been shooting self-portraits quite a bit this winter while working on new lighting ideas for my clients. It is amazing to me how much of the emotion in a photograph is directly related to how the light falls on the subject. Most photographers over-light their subjects... effectively creating deer in the headlights. I have been trying to find ways to work with the darker side of light... the shadows that surround our every move.
I have had issues sleeping for the past week or so. Normally my head hits the pillow at 11pm and I am out till 6:30am. Solid black. No tossing or turning. Certainly no waking up. Not this week. I have woken up at 3am almost every night for over a week. Nothing external seems to be causing these abrupt awakenings... but there I am, staring at the alarm clock. Always right around 3 o'clock...give or take five minutes. The strange part is that I find myself awake. Not that I am not tired, but in that moment, I am suddenly very awake... as though something important was happening.
When I brought this up with my therapist this week, she made light of the enormous number of things bearing down on me right now. Her comment: do you feel a little stressed?
Gosh, hmmm. Uh... yeah. Kinda.
Trying NOT to be stressed about this impending surgery is nearly impossible. Try as I might, every time I try to imagine myself back on the gurney, IV in my arm.... I make it about that far... and the cold sweat starts, my blood pressure takes off and pretty quickly, I am in a full blown panic.
Between this, the PTSD, waiting for the custody issue to be resolved, waiting to be back at work with my photography (hopefully in May or June!)... it just feels like a whole lot of hurry-up-and-wait.