Last week I asked a few questions.
So what am I thinking about?I wasn't asking for the sake of argument, but rather to spark a conversation. I know that many people find it difficult to talk about their fears and concerns. They can talk around the moon about their little worries and niggling thoughts, but when it comes to brass tacks they shy away from the sharp edges.
Where is my mind these days?
What is my biggest concern?
What would you like to know?
So let's talk broken glass.
Let's talk about why I am having yet another surgery.
Let's talk about why my right eye droops ever so slightly.
Let's talk about my family.
Let's talk about why I am so scared.
Let's talk about what happens next.
I have been called courageous. Courageous = brave, not afraid of pain.
That isn't me. I am terrified of pain. I have spent the bulk of my adult life in various levels of very bad pain. Ironically, I am in less pain right now than I was a year ago. I guess courageous in this context is supposed to mean that I am brave enough to face the pain again? Perhaps. But what other choice is there?
So why am I having surgery? This is the surgery to fix all the mistakes that were made the first time around. This is the surgery to end all surgeries. What is the plan? The plan is to "take down" the colostomy, reconnect the large intestine to what remains of the rectum, and then repair the hernia. Two pretty big surgeries all in one fell swoop. There is a chance my surgeon may be able to do this surgery laparoscopically, but he wont know until he gets in there and sees what he can see. If he doesn't have a clear view of the junction, then I will be opened up down the midline, same as before.
Let's talk about healing: If he is able to do the surgery laparoscopically, then the healing could be considerably faster. His projection is 4 days in the hospital, and probably a month of rest. If he has to open me up completely, I am planning on being in the hospital a week, then home (and no driving) for 2 months. This is all predicated on the surgery going off without a hitch.
Why does my right eye droop slightly? Apparently that is a product of the extensive sedation and trauma my body went through during the coma. Normally folks don't live through this sort of experience, so a little droop in one eye seems a small price.
So what happens next?
Well, next Saturday I begin the "cleanout" procedure. Other than saying I will be on fluids only for 2 days, and then JUST clear liquids for the final day.... I will leave the rest to your imagination. It ain't pretty.
After that, I show up in Rochester, help the nurses find a nice vein to jab my IV into, and do my best not to sink into a panic attack. Right now I am optimistic that they will let me dose myself with Xanax before I leave for Rochester.
After that, we shall see. So now let's talk about what comes next!