Saturday, December 21, 2013

You'd Think, After All This Time...


You would think, after all this time, that I would be done feeling and thinking about the coma experience. For the most part, those memories are safely boxed up and set on a shelf. Every now and then, something jogs my memory and that flood washes over me. Tonight I was listening to music as we put away the remains from our roasted turkey dinner. Lyle Lovett was singing "Church" and we were singing along... "it's time for dinner now let's go eat." It reminded me of the Thanksgiving we spent with some friends of ours four years ago.

I had been home from the hospital only a few weeks. My strength was almost non-existent. I was struggling with some of the logistical basics of driving and getting around town. We had to cancel our holiday dinner plans with my in-laws simply because I couldn't handle the drive to their home, an hour away. I simply lacked the stamina to make the journey.

A couple of our friends who we knew through the craft community (having done shows together for years) invited us to their home for the holiday dinner. I have never been one to dive headfirst into anyone's family traditions... I am just not a big "joiner". Holidays with family I can usually manage, but with relative strangers I was expecting a fair bit of anxiety. Lyle Lovett was playing through their sound system while we enjoyed our evening. The gathering was wonderful. The meal was splendid. The company was superb. At the end of the night, Nancy and I drove home feeling very cared for. All in all, it was a great Thanksgiving.

Less than a year later I was told by them that they couldn't be my friend anymore.

Lyle Lovett was playing "Church" when I read that email from them.

No explanation. Just: I can't be friends with you anymore. Click.

Four years on now, I still wrestle with my feelings around this. I have no resolution. There is no closure. They slammed the door shut and locked me out of the rest of the experience. Gives fear of conflict a whole new meaning.






6 comments:

  1. some people collect friends the same way other people collect art - and some just let it happen.

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    1. I think that the active part of friendship is an important piece. Without the active reciprocity, I think there is a tendency for relationships to drift and become a matter of convenience and proximity. Personally, I prefer the depth that comes with time and intimacy and experience. The last thing I need at this point in my life is a single-serving friend.

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  2. I understand Alex. I am going through something similar. A life long friend has recently been so hurtful and angry at me (some revolves around things that happened 40 years ago!!) that I had to block her on facebook and block her email. It hurts the depth of my heart. I know that right now I "should" not engage her in dialogue of any kind, but I really want to just tell her I miss her and hope she can find healing. When others have such deep pain of their own that they begin to shut people out.....I cannot imagine that kind of pain.

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    1. I am starting to understand why people shut others out. I realize now, thanks to copious amounts of therapy, that I shut people out in other ways... and I am trying to unlearn that behavior. I certainly understand it being there as a protective mechanism, but I would like to think that i am at a place now where I can feel safe and secure enough to not need that extreme reaction. I think your reaction of just wanting to let your friend know that you miss her and wish her well speaks volumes of your kindness. Rather than focus on my loss, I think your attitude helps me redirect and reframe how I see what happened with my friend. Thank you!

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  3. I think that we have all had this happen. And I am guilty of shutting out some people that I thought were my friends and I have found through action that they are not.
    Who knows why some friends will move mountains for you while others will not move a chair for you.
    There are no good or right answers.

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    1. I wish that you weren't so right, Meredith. I too have shut folks out... but only when the damage they were causing to my life or my family stretched the friendship to the breaking point.

      I like the idea of friends moving mountains.... almost seems like it should be a requirement. lol. Having seen so many of my friends do just that, it makes me glad to know them and to feel like it can be balanced for both sides.

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